Green DonutAs Sister Margaretta confessed in “The Sound of Music,” Reverend Mother, I have sinned. Except her crime — tampering with a Nazi car to save Julie Andrews, and let’s face it, who wouldn’t do whatever it took to save Julie Andrews — was more forgivable than mine.

I ate a doughnut.

Not only a doughnut, but an especially unnatural one with St. Patrick’s Day green icing! Oh, sweet mercy, I’m going to hell.

I have a house full of healthy food, and instantly, I attempted to cancel out my crime by zapping and eating a “Sweet Earth Natural Foods” Greek Burrito, “a savory blend of organic white beans, fresh baby spinach, feta & oregano. Hemlock-free!”

Now, I don’t know if the part about it being Hemlock free means that hemlock is an issue with organic Greek-themed products, or if it’s a reference to the Greek thinker Socrates, who was tried and found guilty of impious acts and forced to drink a poison containing hemlock.

Speaking of impious acts, in our crazy world we don’t actually talk about moral sin anymore. We don’t want to be judgmental. But boy, howdy, do we have manufactured sin out the kazoo.

Have a carbon footprint — you can buy carbon credits, or virtue points to offset your carbon footprint (selling redemption like the Church used to sell Indulgences in the Middle Ages, not that I’m judging) — or use an environment-destroying plastic grocery bag, or eat at McDonald’s, or drink a Big Gulp-sized soda, or wolf down a green doughnut (and, even more heinous, actually enjoy it), and you are screwed.

Bad, bad person! I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that when I go to meet my Maker, the green doughnut is not going to come up, so to speak.

But I may have to eat my weight in kale and do a whole lot of recycling before they let me back in the Whole Foods again.


This post and all blog content Ⓒ Copyright Janet Farrar Worthington.

4 replies
  1. Michael Barnes
    Michael Barnes says:

    Well, actually the occasional doughnut is part of my homeopathic health plan. Just as homeopathic medicine treats us with a very minute quantity of a bad agent, so the occasional doughnut protects us against us against the ravages of our sugar-laden artificial (blah-blah) diet. Irrational you say? Compared to what–homeopathy? Ha!

    So go ahead and enjoy the occasional doughnut. Think of it as a sugar vaccine. You know, someday you could be shopping in the bakery section of your local supermarket, when an earthquake occurs and traps you there. You might have to survive for three days on coca-cola and doughnuts. Better be prepared….

  2. Jordan
    Jordan says:

    My girlfriend just brought home one of seet earth’s greek burritos and after a brief google search, you’re the only one asking about the hemlock!! it must be a socrates joke. at the same time, i feel like they could clarify that. i feel like they’re trying to lead me to believe that there may be hemlock mixed in most spinach or oregano!

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