It’s Day 3 since we got Wii Fit.  If you’re not familiar with this phenomenon, there’s this annoying fake-friendly talking animated Wii board that appears on your TV screen, and you check in with him/her/it every day, and you get a “Wii age” based on how well you do.  I think the thing is a guy, I can’t tell.  He is one snarky bastard, let me tell you.  The Wii Fit games themselves are pretty fun.  Josh and I have been playing a lot, and laughing a lot as we stand on the actual Wii board and jump on a virtual trampoline or take off on ski jumps, so that part is worth it.

It’s the daily check-ins and body tests that have messed with my head.  It’s that little Wii dude.

Day One, I did the balance test.  My balance was ever so slightly on my right foot, and the Wii dude said, “It looks like balance games are not your forte.  Do you trip a lot?”  Actually, no, you little turd.  Then, at its recommendation, I played this game where you dodge soccer balls, and I kept getting hit in the head with soccer cleats as I was trying to dodge the balls.   What kind of sick crap is this?

Day Two, I put on the pedometer and ran a mile just to suck up to the Wii, so I could transfer all that data and get cheap praise.  I’m not proud, cheap praise works for me.  No praise, except for some calories burned in my Wii “piggy bank,” which I now realize is a subtle insult, i.e., I’m a piggy!  For my weigh-in, I was holding the Wii handheld device, which I hadn’t done the day before, so that added nearly a pound.  The Wii guy added 7 more years to my arbitrary “Wii age” as punishment.  For my new balance test, I had to anticipate obstacles and lean the other way.  I hit a wall and the game abruptly ended.  Only after the fact did it say that you can’t hit the wall.  Who knew?  I was trying to dodge the bricklike obstacles.  If I’d known about hitting the wall, I wouldn’t have hit it, duh.  More snark from the Wii dude, who talks in a high-pitched voice.  “It’s Japanese,” Mark said. “Humiliation is a big thing over there, I’m just saying.”

Today, Day Three, I got up early and did the body check-in, before food or drink ever crossed my lips.  For the balance test, I overcompensated and put more weight on my left foot.  “Do you trip a lot?”  Argh!  Then when I weighed in, it said that I had lost 2.2 pounds, and I’m well on my way to meeting my goal, which is to lose four pounds.  Just as I was feeling all happy about that, the Wii dude added, “Yesterday, you weighed yourself at 1 p.m.  Most people’s weight fluctuates around 2 pounds a day.  Just thought I’d mention it  You should weigh yourself at the same time every day.”  Argh!  “Just thought I’d mention it!”  Picture the catty stewardess played by David Spade on “Saturday Night Live,” saying, “buh-bye.”  Snarky Wii!  And yet, today my Wii age dropped 27 years, from a ridiculous and offensive 57 down to a more appropriate 30.

Mark said, “That thing owns you.”

“Yeah,” I said.


This post and all blog content Ⓒ Copyright Janet Farrar Worthington.

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