traditional churchI want to say the Apostle’s Creed regularly in church.

It starts like this:  “I believe in God the Father Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth…”  I know the whole thing, but it’s not that brief and I’m trying to make a point here.  I want to sing the “Gloria Patri,” a little song that goes, “Glory be to the Father, and to the Son and to the Holy Ghost.  As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, world without end, Amen, Amen.” 

I want to say the Nicene Creed.  I like saying the Lord’s Prayer.   I want to sing the Doxology, the traditional melody.

In short, I miss the ritual at church, the kind of ritual I grew up with.  I find it really, really comforting to say words that were woven into the fabric of my life as a kid.  My own kids, in contrast, don’t know these creeds, because they aren’t said regularly in our church.  I’m not sure why, but I suspect it is because somebody, somewhere, decided they might scare people away.

A lot of churches are not doing well, and as they try to fix what they perceive to be the problem, they may actually be making it worse.  They try hard to be relevant, to reach out to millennials with “contemporary” worship.

As Gimli said in the Fellowship of the Ring, “If anyone was to ask for my opinion, which I note they’re not, I’d say we were taking the long way round.” 

There’s big money in consulting, and churches have paid many thousands of dollars to experts who told them how to make the service more hip, accessible, and cool.  Coolness hasn’t really brought in millennials, or anyone, in the hoped-for numbers.  

You know what’s catchy?  Hymns.  You know where they have a lot of great hymns?  The hymnal.   Already printed up and everything.  You know what’s great?  Beautiful liturgical language, like the Episcopalians have in the Book of Common Prayer, and Methodists have in the hymnal.

I’m not alone.  Do a Google search on “millennials looking for traditional church,” and prepare to be amazed.  I got “about 536,000 results in 0.61 seconds.”  A lot of people have written about this, and some of what they have to say is pretty painful.

Rachel Held Evans, in a much-cited opinion piece in the Washington Post, said:  “Bass reverberates through the auditorium floor as a heavily bearded worship leader pauses to invite the congregation, bathed in the light of two giant screens, to tweet using #JesusLives. … At the end of the service, someone will win an iPad.  This, in the view of many churches, is what millennials like me want.” She goes on to say, “You’re just as likely to hear the words ‘market share’ and branding’ in church staff meetings these days as you are in any corporate office. … Increasingly, churches offer sermon series on iTunes and concert-style worship services with names like ‘Vine’ or ‘Gather.’ … Still, attendance among young people remains flat.”

A lot of people say they have left the church because they didn’t feel welcome there, and there’s no excuse for that. 

Everybody should feel welcome in a church because although Jesus had some wealthy and high-ranking followers, he had many more followers who were nobodies, outcasts, sinners.  We’re all sinners, but some people don’t know it and make a big show of their piety when really all they are is judgmental.  It didn’t impress Jesus.   Instead, he told some of those people to stop looking at the splinter in someone else’s eye and to worry about the big old plank of wood in their own.   

So, nonnegotiable, a church should be welcoming to everyone.   But we don’t need to throw out the proverbial (or any) baby with the baptismal water just to make a church a friendly place to worship. 

private worshipResearch by the Pew Foundation and other groups has helped shed some light on why people, especially in that coveted 18-35-year-old bracket, have left the church.  One report by the Barna Group determined that more than 40 percent of young people in one study “have a desire for a more traditional faith, rather than a hip version of Christianity.”  They don’t want to be pandered to. 

Evans left the church but came back when she found one that met her needs,  “where every week I find myself, at age 33, kneeling next to a gray-haired lady to my left and a gay couple to my right as I confess my sins and recite the Lord’s Prayer…  No one’s desperately trying to make the Gospel hip or relevant or cool. They’re just joining me in proclaiming the great mystery of the faith — that Christ has died, Christ has risen, and Christ will come again — which, in spite of my persistent doubts and knee-jerk cynicism, I still believe most days.”

The internet has a lot of pretty interesting stuff, including an open letter to the church from Jonathan Aigner, who describes himself as “one of those millennials you can’t figure out.”  Aigner puts it right out there:  “Don’t expect a ‘worship style’ to do your dirty work,” he says.  “Contemporary worship hasn’t worked.  The longer we extend the life of this failed experiment, the more we see the results. In my experience, contemporary worship brings in three groups. Baby boomers who are still stuck in their rebellion against the establishment, parents who mistakenly think that contemporary worship is the only way for their kids to connect to the church, and a small percentage of young adults who’ve never left and who never knew anything other than contemporary worship… 

“Don’t give us entertainment, give us liturgy.  We don’t want to be entertained in church, and frankly, the church’s attempt at entertainment is pathetic.  Enough with the theatrics. … Follow that simple yet profound formula that’s worked for the entire history of the church.  Entrance, proclamation, thanksgiving, sending out.  Gathering, preaching, breaking bread, going forth in service.  Give us a script to follow, give us songs to sing, give us the tradition of the church, give us Holy Scripture to read.  Give us sacraments, not life groups, to grow and strengthen us.”

And one more thing, Aigner says:  “Don’t target us.  In doing so, you’ve marketed and advertised yourself into oblivion. …  No wonder we’ve left.  Just be the church. Be yourself.  Use your regular old liturgy.  Offer your regular old sacraments. Sing your regular old songs.  Cast a wide net, and let whosoever will come. Trust me, we’re more likely to show up when we don’t feel like fish snapping up the bait.

“…We need to look into the faces of old and young, rich and poor, of different colors, races, and ethnic backgrounds, so we can learn to see Jesus in faces that don’t look like us.  So we can remember that the kingdom is bigger than our safe, suburban bubble.  That’s right, we need community, not bound together by age or economic status or skin color, but wrought with the hammering of nails on a wooden cross.  Our internet connectivity is just fine. The rest of our lives is a different story. We are hopelessly disconnected.  Church, you can be a powerful remedy if you stop posing as a Fortune 500 company scheming to sell a product.”

janet worship

That’s me at worship rehearsal

I wonder what would happen if churches would try both – a contemporary service, and then one that’s more back-to-the-basics traditional? Maybe they’ll both be successful.

I love the people who go to my church.  I really do.  Our church is healthy and vital.  It is growing.  One of the most wonderful things about our church is that the people truly welcome everyone.  They don’t care who you are, they are just happy you’re there.  Still, I’m just saying, a little more ritual would not be unwelcome. 

I really like saying the old creeds every week, not just once or twice a year.  Singing the time-tested responses, saying the same beautiful prayers, like this one from St. Francis (below), which our minister used to say as a benediction at my church when I was a kid.  Having two Scriptural readings, one from the Old Testament and one from the New Testament.  Instead of modern creeds for social justice that seem lawyer-mandated, couldn’t we say something like this often enough that my kids would memorize it, and bank it for when they really need it, the way I did?

“Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.

“O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.”

Now that’s beautiful.

P.S.  This is just my opinion.  I mean no offense to anyone.

©Janet Farrar Worthington

Topic of a recent sermon at our church:  Who’s welcome here?  Answer:  Everyone.  There should be no litmus test – skin color, sexual preference, etc. – because we all belong to God.

I wish it were that easy out in the rest of the world. 

I used to be a news junkie: I read newspapers, watched pundits arguing on TV, really got into it.  I don’t now; it’s too stressful.  I liked it a lot better when all the newspapers I read were actually on paper, and anyone who wanted to make a comment to a story had to write a letter and own up to it by putting his or her name and address.  For most people, this had something of a civilizing effect; it also offered that moment of restraint, of reflection – was that too much? Should I have said that?  Will this hurt anyone? – that has been sucked down the black hole of our think-and-click lives today. 

You think it, you click it.  And then it’s out there and you usually can’t get it back.  You don’t have to use your real name, and unfortunately, a lot of people don’t handle this anonymity very well.  It lets their bad selves out, the id-troll selves they probably make at least some effort to hold in check out in the real world. 

I have seen some very good discussions in the comments sections on the health pages of the New York Times.  I pretty much can’t read the comments after any political story in the Washington Post, because within a very few posts, they turn to personal insults, as people take offense at what somebody else said and decide to just vilify that person. 

It’s nasty, people.  Very unpleasant.  Even in my sweet little town, the comments on stories in our local newspaper tend to be equally polarizing.  Whatever happened to moderation?  Where did all this hate come from?  These probably know each other, but they don’t recognize the fake names.  I like the policy of one news website – it leans conservative, so go ahead and hate me for it if that’s all it takes to set you off – which is,  “It’s a salon, not a saloon.” If someone makes a comment that’s vulgar, demeaning, or otherwise inappropriate, that person can be banned from the site.   

Closer to home, it’s happening with some of my friends on Facebook.  Recently, I was very disturbed to find that I apparently can’t even “like” anything if it is too controversial. 

FB hand likeA friend I’ve known for a long time has taken offense at two things I have “liked.”  (If by some lucky happenstance you’re not familiar with Facebook, you can “post” things that you write, or stories or pictures that you find interesting, and you can “like” things that other people put up that show up in your News Feed.)

My friend sent me a FB message that just flabbergasted me. It said, “I know your politics, but please don’t just repost blindly.”  He mentioned a story that he thought I had posted – I actually had not, but I had liked it – and sent along a Snopes link to discredit it.  I wrote back: “I try never to post political things. I saw it in the News Feed of a guy from my former church,” and apparently clicked “like.”  I added:  “It seems to me I ought to be able to like something if I want to. I just can’t imagine telling someone else what to like.” 

He then went on to insult the guy, a good man I’ll call X, who had posted the offending thing – a meme, I think it was; I honestly don’t even remember now.  I wrote back: “You’re right, X is probably the operational definition of curmudgeon.  But he also spends many hours a week doing volunteer work with his wife,” and I talked briefly about that.  “So he’s a mixture of opinions you probably don’t like and acts of kindness that you most likely do like.  Honestly, though, I try not to post anything political.  You may know my politics, you may not.”

I went on:  “I remember back in the 70s and 80s, especially around the journalism schools where my dad taught, seeing bumper stickers that said something like, ‘I may not agree with what you say, but I will fight to the death for your right to say it.’  I don’t see those anymore. 

“I don’t agree with all the stuff you put up, but you are my friend and I love you for many reasons, including your compassion, your wit, because you are a genuinely nice guy and so darn smart, much smarter than I am.  That’s good enough for me, and I’d rather have the things we share in common than worry about the things we don’t.” 

He agreed, and I thought everything was okay.  Then a couple of weeks ago, it happened again; he wrote a whole post about how one of his friends had posted something and it “made his blood boil.”  Again, it was not a post, but something a family member had put up and I had just liked it. 

pulling backI have begun to censor myself.  I went back and unliked it.  Then I did something I hardly ever do; put my friend on the “restricted” list, so he can’t see most of what I do on Facebook.  Which is not much these days.  Personally, I think it is kind of odd to see and get worked up over what other people like; I can barely keep up with what they post.  A lot of my friends like stuff that I don’t particularly care for; so what?      

So I have pulled back.  I’m barely on FB anymore, and when I do post something I try to be innocuous.  Fortunately, I have an endless stockpile of puns and I like to put up a daily joke.  Here’s one of them:  What would happen if Satan lost his hair? There would be hell toupée.  Here’s another:  I went to a restaurant and had the Wookie steak.  It was pretty Chewy.

Also, I’m the secretary of the middle school PTA and I put up stuff about that.  Pretty tame.  Who says we all have to agree on everything? That’s what makes the world an interesting place.

Back to the idea of a litmus test:  I truly don’t care about your sexual orientation.  I just don’t.  I’ve got enough problems without having to worry about judging you.  And I wish I had as much money as I don’t care about your politics.  I do not want to know what they are.

My only litmus test is, are you unable to lighten up?  That’s it.  Because anyone else, I’m pretty sure I can work with you.

© Janet Farrar Worthington

I went to bed happy last night and woke up to more senseless killing.  This one was a little different.  It was Orlando; I don’t think they’ve had a mass killing there for a while, so that was new.  Then, of course, the large scale – 50 people dead so far as I write this.  And, it was not just a terrorist attack; it was a hate crime. 

So, yeah.

In “Sky High,” one of my kids’ favorite movies, these high school bullies keep giving this poor guy swirlies in the toilet.  Finally, someone says, “The dunking must end.”  Things had to change. 

hands heart loveWell, it seems pretty clear to me that the hatred must end.  It’s like an infection, and it seems like our whole country’s got it – the hatred part, not the mass murder part, thank God.  Don’t believe me?  Just get on Facebook.  Or read the comments after just about any news story online.  Extra points: start counting up the personal insults from people who disagree with previous posters.  I disagree with you, so it’s okay to impugn your character and call you all kinds of names.  When did this kind of nastiness become okay?

Look at your friends who are Democrats; most of their posts can be summed up, “Republicans are stupid, evil, and we hate them.”   Now, look at your friends who are Republicans.  Most of their posts can be summed up, “Democrats are stupid, evil, and we hate them.”

No, they’re not, and no, we don’t.  Not really.  At least, I hope we don’t.

When I was a kid, I remember seeing lots of bumper stickers that said something like, “I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend your right to say it to my death.”  That’s about freedom of speech, and in this context, it means, “We don’t agree, but that’s okay.” 

Not:  “We don’t agree, thus you are stupid, and you must be controlled and mocked and maybe even put on an island and exterminated.”

Or, “I am offended by what you say, so I will conduct a hate campaign on social media and make your life a living hell.”  Does that really need to happen to prove a point?

Or, “You offend me and undoubtedly my God, therefore, I will kill you and get a cosmic reward.”

megaphoneTwo things have happened to us as a nation:  One, we get offended at the drop of a hat.  Then, we demand apologies, groveling, restitution, suffering, etc.  And two, instead of disagreeing with what people say or do, we decide we don’t like them, or worse, that we hate them.

What offends you?  What makes you look at someone and decide that person is unworthy of your time, attention, goodwill, or even basic common courtesy?  Is it tattoos?  Piercings?  Politics?  Sexual orientation?  Religion?  Weight?  Skin color?  Mom jeans? 

Okay, here’s a confession: I don’t much like tattoos.  So you know what I do?  I don’t get one.  But that doesn’t mean I have the right to make other people not get tattoos.  If tats make them happy, and it’s not hurting me, what right would I possibly have to tell people they shouldn’t have them?  It’s their skin.  And besides, that’s not who they are, it’s just what’s on the outside. 

You might look at me and say, “Good Lord, look at those mom jeans.”  (I hope not; I try to be hip, and usually have my kids help me with my fashion choices, but sometimes mom jeans happen.)  But I hope you wouldn’t hate me for wearing them.

I made some terrible hair decisions in my youth – shag cut in the 70s, perm in the 80s.  But that wasn’t who I was, it was just what was happening to my head.  I hope people didn’t judge me for them – or even if they did, I hope nobody hated me for having bad hair days.  Months.  Years.

It seems that our default now is not to give people the benefit of the doubt. 

hands togetherEven if we see someone who appears to be completely different from us, maybe who does things we don’t like, there must be – at least, I really hope there is – at least one thing we have in common.  Maybe we both go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, I don’t know. 

It really troubles me to think that someone could see me as the enemy without even knowing anything about me.   It troubles me to think that I might see some people as the enemy without knowing anything about them.

The hatred that has infected this country has got to stop. 

The dunking must end.

I’m a mature adult, with important responsibilities and a certain amount of dignity… until Andy Gibb comes on my 70s lite rock Pandora station singing “Everlasting Love.” All of a sudden, I’m back in junior high, when he was a huge heartthrob. OMG! “We killed the pain, we blew away the memories of
the tears we cried, and an everlasting love will never die!” No, it will never die, Andy Gibb. I would have been so much better for you than Victoria
Principal – oh, hi, kids, Mommy’s just doing some improv, nothing to see here.

It is hard to carry on a conversation, or even remember your train of thought when a dog sits in the middle of the room and goes to town licking his or
her private parts, or has other issues, for example, digestive trouble.

I would love to go back in time and live in a mediaeval village, where the church tower is the highest point in the town and the bells of the church toll
the times of the day. If I could have hair dye, hygienic products and a lifetime supply of Charmin Sensitive toilet paper with aloe. And sunscreen, and
some type of moisturizer.

pumpkinPumpkins make me happy, but they also make me sad, because the minute you cut them to make a Jack-o-Lantern, they start to rot. I like fake pumpkins, because they don’t rot, and you don’t have to throw them away and feel guilty that you took a pumpkin’s life. But they’re fake, and fake pumpkins don’t support farmers, and they don’t have seeds that you can roast. They also don’t have guts that you can take out and get all over your hands and then pretend
to sneeze and gross out your kids. But fake pumpkins don’t die, and you can put them away in a cabinet until next year, a little orange friend just waiting for fall to roll around again.

The Human (body) Condition

If men are outside in nature and need to urinate, they just do it. Who can blame them? If I could, I would, too. There, I said it. Not on a building or car or anything gross, but behind a tree or large bush. However, I would bring hand sanitizer.

Why, when I use the brush to darken my eyebrows, can I achieve absolute perfection with one eyebrow – a glorious arch, worthy of Ava Gardner – and the
other one looks like it belongs on someone else’s face? It’s as if I have asked that one eyebrow very nicely to do something, and it says, “Oh, hell no!”  Why is this happening?  That would be a good title for my memoir.

When we were kids and one of us would yawn and not cover our mouth, my mom would say, “Cover your mouth! You can see Gibraltar in there!” It is so
ingrained that I have to stop myself from saying it to strangers.

Zombies

I am really getting sick of the zombie brain-eating thing. Also, do zombies poop? Because if they eat, they must poop. They probably don’t wipe.

Similarly, and I do have experience as a medical writer working in the field of urology, so maybe I have extra insight here, but I’m pretty sure that if
they have no heartbeat and no blood or body fluids, Edward and other vampires in the “Twilight” world wouldn’t have the hydraulic, mechanical or genetic
capability to sire a child.

©Janet Farrar Worthington

I can’t stop thinking about Baltimore.  I reject the idea of thinking about Black people versus White people.  That wasn’t my experience when I lived there, and I don’t believe it’s truly that way now, despite the protests, despite all the words of hate.  I remember once driving down to Hopkins Hospital, getting off the Jones Falls Expressway on Fayette Street.  I was stopped at the light, waiting to turn left, when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye.  Pulled up next to me in the next lane was a big  Ford Expedition.  The driver had his window down, and was waving at me to lower my window, so I did.

“What kind of mileage do you get on that thing?”  he said, indicating my Toyota Sienna minivan.

“About 22, maybe 23 miles per gallon,” I said.

“Damn!  I’m getting 8, maybe 9 miles on this thing.  It’s a gas guzzler!”

He asked me if I liked my Sienna, and I said I did, and that it could seat seven, that I’d hauled members of my daughter’s soccer team around in it to many games.  Then the light changed, and we went our separate ways.  The fact that I was white and he was black did not ever come up.  I remember the conversation to this day as yet another quirky Baltimore encounter, actually a fairly  typical Baltimore moment for me.

Another memory that comes to mind is a conversation I had prompted by a sales clerk, who was humming.  I knew the tune: “Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.”  I grew up singing in church, in choirs and a gospel band.  Something just prompted me to ask her if she sang in the choir.  She did.  Soprano.  I sing alto, and I told her I sometimes don’t even know the actual melody, because I’m so used to singing the harmony.  She had been on a mission trip, and was thinking about becoming a minister.  We talked about that for a while, about faith, and service, and just loving the music. Again, we were Black and White, but who cared?  We shared the same God.  These encounters aren’t even that unique; there were many like this in my decade and a half in Baltimore.   There was so much more good than bad.

I’m not naive, and I hope I’m not stupid.  I know we have problems in our country.  I know there are terrible divisions, and tensions, and there are hurt and pain and bad memories all around.  I get that.  But I also know that as different as we are, there are points of common-ness, points where we share experiences, things we can just talk about, one person to another — as parents or drivers of large vehicles or people who love to sing old hymns.  I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m going to try extra hard to look past the things that are different and find the things that are the same.  How do wounds heal?  One cell at a time.  I may not heal any wounds, but by God, I’m not going to open up any new ones, either.

©Janet Farrar Worthington

I love Baltimore.  Two of our three kids were born there.  We lived there, moved away, moved back, and have since moved across the country, but we put a total of 15 years of our lives into that city and it’s in our blood.  

Mark and I moved there in 1987, our worldly goods in a U-Haul truck.  We moved into the Northway Building, in Charles Village, and thought it was the most sophisticated place we had ever seen, even in its faded Art Deco glory, with its brass mail chutes and 14-foot ceilings, elegant lobby and parquet floors.  We loved living on Charles Street, with its “glass-phalt,” one of legendary mayor William Donald Schaefer’s ideas, where glass was mixed in with the pavement so that it sparkled.  Those were the days of the dollar houses — grand old row homes in downtown Baltimore, being sold for a dollar to people who were willing to put in the sweat and money to fix them up.

Once, we walked all the way down Charles Street to the Inner Harbor.  We walked past the edge of Guilford, with its grand homes and tree-lined, twisting streets, past University. Turn left and we would have walked, as we often did, to Memorial Stadium, “The Old Grey Lady of 33rd Street,” or “The World’s Largest Outdoor Insane Asylum,”  where the Orioles used to play, in a neighborhood with Chinese restaurants and used bookstores, and where the Baltimore Colts once played, before they left town in the middle of the night. Past the monument to the Confederate Women (Baltimore is south of the Mason-Dixon line, and used to be considered more of a Southern city than it is now), past Johns Hopkins University.  Past North Avenue, where the neighborhood was a little sketchy but there were also some great old book stores.  Past beautiful Penn Station with the mechanically moving, non-digital train arrival and departure board that I never got tired of watching.

Past Mt. Vernon, with its Washington Monument — the original one, before that copycat one in D.C. — and its exquisitely beautiful Methodist Church and the Peabody Preparatory and Conservatory, with one of the most beautiful libraries ever. Fun fact: As a Johns Hopkins employee, I got a tuition discount and was able to take jazz piano lessons with the great Charles Covington, the foremost expert on Eubie Blake’s stride piano style (Eubie Blake, another source of Baltimore pride), a world-class musician and just a decent, humble, kind gentleman.

Past the Walters Art Gallery, which later made its admission free to the public just because it could.  It has many beautiful works of art, but I remember most its suits of armor and some kind of Mediaeval skeleton boxes with a message like, “What you are, I once was, and what I am, you will be.”  Reminders of mortality.

Past great restaurants that seemed so exotic to us — The Brass Elephant, Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, Louie’s Bookstore Cafe´ and the Charles Theatre,  across the street, the legendary bar Club Charles, past the Helmand, where I ate my first Afghan food, past Akbar Restaurant, where I ate my first Indian food, past Tony Cheng’s, the most elegant Chinese Restaurant (although our hearts really belonged to Uncle Lee’s, near Memorial Stadium).

Past the Lyric Opera House on Mount Royal (go the other way and you could wind your way to the Meyerhoff Symphony Hall, where Baltimore’s world-class Symphony Orchestra plays).  Eventually we made it to the Inner Harbor.  This was before Camden Yards, before the Light Rail Line, before the Ravens existed as a Baltimore football team, and still, the Inner Harbor was the crème de la crème.  Shops, restaurants like Taverna Athena, past the Lady Maryland schooner, the newly opened Renaissance Harborplace Hotel with fancy stores like Brooks Brothers.  The National Aquarium, one of our favorite places in the world, with its rescued, three-legged giant sea turtle and its beautiful rain forest.  The Science Museum.

Turn left at the Harbor, and you get to Little Italy, home of several favorite places.  Sabatino’s, of course, the amazing restaurant owned by a family who later became good friends of ours, open til the wee hours.  Once, Mark and I saw Tony Bennett singing with the Baltimore Pops, then we went to Sab’s for calamari and pasta with olive oil and garlic, and there was Tony, having his late supper, too.  Vaccaro’s, the Italian bakery, home of the best pignoli and Amaretti cookies ever.  Home of row houses with white stoops, lovingly polished every morning by ladies who had lived there all their lives.  Home of backyard bocce courts, with lawn chairs set up to watch nightly battles.  Of an artist named Tony, who sat on one of the Four Corners (intersection of four great restaurants of Little Italy) and sold pen-and-ink sketches of Little Italy and took care of his elderly mother.IMG_0376

If we kept going East, we would wind our way to Eastern Avenue and on into Highlandtown, home of Matthew’s deep-dish Pizza, home of Haussner’s, which is no more, but which had to be experienced to be believed.   It was German food, eaten amid a collection of fine art and many Rococo pieces.  Weird, and yet iconic.  So Baltimore.  And then Greektown, block after block of Greek coffee shops and restaurants.

And then, south of Eastern Ave., Fells Point, home of cobblestone streets, 400-year-old houses, tiny shops, and on South Baltimore, past the Christopher Columbus statue, past the hospital where Edgar Allan Poe died, Jimmy’s restaurant, where Mark and colleagues used to go and have a beer at 7:30 in the morning after working all night in the ER at Johns Hopkins Hospital during his internship.

I haven’t mentioned the Baltimore Zoo, the numerous crab houses, duckpin bowling (with smaller, bocce-sized balls and tiny lanes), snowball stands (everywhere else but Baltimore, these are called snow cones), the food markets in the city where we could walk and get produce, flowers, sandwiches, kimchee, fresh fish, and fresh-butchered meat.

I didn’t talk about Roland Park, an elegant neighborhood once considered the suburbs, where most of the Queen Anne-style houses were made from kits purchased through the Sears Catalog and delivered by rail.  Or Eddie’s Supermarket, where you could sign for your groceries with your four-digit number, and where I once stood in line behind John Waters, legendary director of movies like Hairspray, Pink Flamingos, and my favorite, Polyester (filmed in Odor-ama, with scratch-n-sniff cards) starring Divine and Tab Hunter.  I remember thinking, “Wow, his mustache really is pencil-thin!”

I haven’t told you how we saw Barry Levinson’s two great Baltimore movies, Diner and Tin Men, and drove around the Hampden neighborhood, block after block of row houses, looking for where they were filmed.  I haven’t talked about Mount Washington, a quirky neighborhood with a Tavern that made it into the Preppy Handbook.  The Domino Sugar sign, once the world’s largest neon sign.  Bethlehem Steel and Old Bay and Natty Boh, the hometown beer.  The Shot Tower, where they used to drop molten lead shot into vats of cooling water in the 1800s.  The Flag House on Pratt Street, where Mary Pickersgill and some other ladies sewed a giant flag that remained proudly flying during the siege of Fort McHenry in the War of 1812.  Francis Scott Key was so moved by the sight of this flag that he wrote the song, to the tune of a difficult-to sing drinking song, that is now our national anthem.

I have barely scratched the surface.

Baltimore is engulfed in riots tonight.  We’re watching it on TV and following the posts of our many friends who are trying to process what is happening to the city we love.  Because although you can take the people out of Baltimore, you’ll never take the Baltimore out of the people who love it.  Tonight, we’re crying for an old and very dear friend.

Hang on, Baltimore.  There’s too much good in you to let the bad keep you down.

©Janet Farrar Worthington

 

 

Trend watch:  I am seeing fewer of those ads that use the phrase “weird trick.”  Like, “lose a pound a day with this weird trick!”  I guess people are sick of the old weird trick angle.  Now, the big thing is, “You won’t believe,” or “You’ll never guess,” or “this will blow your mind!”  It’s to get you to watch a video.  Like, “This cat sat on the toilet seat and you won’t believe what happened next!” or, “This poor desperate homeless man started to dance and you’ll never guess what happened next!” or, “This beat-boxing grandma started hip-hop dancing and what the cows in the nearby pasture did next will blow your mind!”

I don’t care what they did!  I don’t care about the cat, or the dancing homeless man, God forgive me — I mean, of course I care about him in the sense of, maybe I can somehow help this homeless person — or the hip-hopping cows.  If the video is that good, just say what happens.  It feels like people are resorting to lures to reel you in.  We’re at the tent circus and P.T. Barnum is advertising the Ancient and Mysterious Wonders of the World:  Lobster Boy, the Three-Legged Man, the Seven Veils Dance, Alligator Girl!

I just did a search of these words “you’ll never guess what happened next,” and got 43,600,000 hits.  Really?  Are we that jaded a society that this is what needs to happen to make us click on something?

I often do click, with a resigned sigh… Oh, good Lord, what is it, I’d better find out.  Tick, tick, tick, there go some seconds of my life, along with some brain cells.  I feel like a sucker.  Just tell me in an unmanipulative way what’s in the video.  Put it right out there.  If the cat flushes the potty, just tell me.  If the cows bob their heads, which is not exactly hip-hop dancing in my mind, but who am I to quibble, just tell me.  Or the grandma, for that matter.  Does she do the splits?  That’s pretty exciting; I’d take two minutes out of my life to see that.

If the homeless man dances and he’s the Gene Kelly or Mikhail Baryshnikov of the soup kitchen, hey, I’d watch that.  If the dog steers the car, just say, “Wow, this dog steers a car!” instead of, “You are literally unable to comprehend what this video is about to show you.” What’s next:  “You’d better be sitting down for this.” or “Somehow fashion a seatbelt for your chair, because this will blow you away!” or “Maybe take some Benadryl to knock the edge off so you can handle what you’re about to see!”  You’ll never guess what I’m about to do… it’s a weird trick I call “not clicking on this.”  You won’t believe what happens next!

 

This post and all blog content Ⓒ Copyright Janet Farrar Worthington.